This birth story has been hard for me to document.
In my birth experiences with Dominic and Gabriel, I waited (impatiently) for them to arrive (both a few days past their due dates). I could not wait to meet them during my labor, and I joyfully held, nursed and bonded with them soon after they were born.
Dearest Nicholas, our story is much more challenging to tell, because on the day you were born, you and I also endured a very painful separation. From the moment you were conceived, we were always together. For 34-weeks beforehand, I nurtured you, I talked to you and dreamed about the day when I would finally see your face and hold your tiny body. I tried to get to know you through your movements in my womb. I loved you as soon as I learned that your small heart was beating inside of me.
But on the day that I brought you into this world, you were taken from me, and I missed you more than words can express. My heart broke in a million pieces with each passing minute, hour and day that we were apart. My postpartum body ached for you. My belly felt empty without you in my arms, and my chest was heavy without you at my breast.
I thank God that as I write this, we are together again now. I want to remember your birthday because the birth of a child is always a good thing and a meaningful day, and I know that I will appreciate the details in the future. I believe that your birthday is even more special than I will ever comprehend, for you share your birthday with our Lord Jesus. I find so much comfort in this sign of God's providence. He chose one of the most special days of the year to bring you into our lives. I also feel blessed to have shared in Mary's joy at her son's birth, and to have also shared in her sorrow in watching her son suffer, as I did while you were in the NICU.
God has a very special plan for you, my beautiful Nicholas. And this is how your birth came about...
In my birth experiences with Dominic and Gabriel, I waited (impatiently) for them to arrive (both a few days past their due dates). I could not wait to meet them during my labor, and I joyfully held, nursed and bonded with them soon after they were born.
Dearest Nicholas, our story is much more challenging to tell, because on the day you were born, you and I also endured a very painful separation. From the moment you were conceived, we were always together. For 34-weeks beforehand, I nurtured you, I talked to you and dreamed about the day when I would finally see your face and hold your tiny body. I tried to get to know you through your movements in my womb. I loved you as soon as I learned that your small heart was beating inside of me.
But on the day that I brought you into this world, you were taken from me, and I missed you more than words can express. My heart broke in a million pieces with each passing minute, hour and day that we were apart. My postpartum body ached for you. My belly felt empty without you in my arms, and my chest was heavy without you at my breast.
I thank God that as I write this, we are together again now. I want to remember your birthday because the birth of a child is always a good thing and a meaningful day, and I know that I will appreciate the details in the future. I believe that your birthday is even more special than I will ever comprehend, for you share your birthday with our Lord Jesus. I find so much comfort in this sign of God's providence. He chose one of the most special days of the year to bring you into our lives. I also feel blessed to have shared in Mary's joy at her son's birth, and to have also shared in her sorrow in watching her son suffer, as I did while you were in the NICU.
God has a very special plan for you, my beautiful Nicholas. And this is how your birth came about...
At 34-weeks pregnant, I was feeling very good. I had been exercising frequently and experiencing minimal swelling and a very uncomplicated pregnancy. In fact, encountering nausea and fatigue, this was my smoothest pregnancy yet. For some time I had been worried that our little boy was breeched, but my visit with my midwife just three days before had shown him in a perfect position for birth.
At this point giving birth was one of the last things on my mind. Dominic and Gabriel were both born three days past their due date. Those last three days of pregnancy with them had been so excruciatingly uncomfortable that I had made Michael promise me that this time around we would NOT plan for an early birth. I would not clear the weeks before my due date on my calendar, I would not wash tiny baby clothes, I would not worry that my Braxton-Hicks contractions were the "real thing". This baby was coming on January 31st (or maybe February 1st or 2nd).
In addition, Advent and Christmas were helping to keep me distracted. We would enjoy the holidays, and then when it was time to put away our Christmas decorations we would bring down the baby gear from the attic. The timing could not be more perfect!
Apparently God had other plans...
We started our Christmas Eve day with a casual family walk to get coffee and breakfast. I know that this activity did not set me into labor because the boys rode their tricycles to the shopping center, meaning that it was a very (very) slow walk. We came home and I decided to get started on my to-do list to prepare for Christmas, so that I could relax and enjoy the rest of the day.
I spent some time in the kitchen making an egg-bake for Christmas brunch and frosting some sugar cookies. My in-laws were visiting so we enjoyed their company and watched the children's excitement build as we pulled out our Christmas tree ornaments. In the early afternoon we were ready to start decorating the tree and I realized that I felt extraordinarily tired. I was having cramps in my lower back and hips. Assuming that they were Braxton Hicks contractions, I drank a large glass of water and went upstairs to my bed to lay down for a few minutes. Laying down did not make the contractions go away, so I headed back to watch the tree decorating and kept trying to hydrate myself.
As time went on, I started realizing that these "cramps" felt very real and painful. They were very short, lasting about 30 seconds, but they kept coming every two or three minutes. I thought that the baby might have shifted into a strange position and was putting pressure on a nerve. I tried taking a shower and a bath, drinking, eating, walking, sitting...
But nothing would make them go away!
But nothing would make them go away!
By 6pm I was starting to worry, and called the Labor and Delivery center at the hospital. The nurse suggested that I must be tired from all of the Christmas preparations, and that I should rest as much as possible and take some aspirin for the pain. She said that I should not worry since my contractions were so short, but to call if they got longer.
My parents had stopped by to gift the boys new Christmas Jammies. After I made the phone call to the nurse, and my dad teased that maybe we would have a Christmas baby. My response was "Dad, I am not having this baby tomorrow". Nevertheless, we all agreed that maybe this was a good sign to prepare for an early birth than I had originally planned-- because after all, I was completely unprepared.
At this point I did not feel well at all! I still had not made my cinnamon buns for Christmas brunch, so after giving Michael the recipe for him to make, I followed the nurse's advice and took a Tylenol and went to bed. The kids were in bed, the tree was decorated, the presents were wrapped, the stockings were hung...
Despite my discomfort I could not wait for Christmas morning with my boys!
Despite my discomfort I could not wait for Christmas morning with my boys!
Needless to say, despite my exhaustion I struggled to sleep that night. My contractions were hurting and constantly coming every two or three minutes. I knew something was not right. I told Michael that if the cramping did not stop by the morning we would need to go to the hospital because I felt like I was in labor. I was already trying to figure out in my racing mind how we could fit a trip to the hospital around all of our Christmas plans...
At about 3AM I got up, frustrated and miserable that I still could not fall asleep. I went to use the bathroom and then dragged myself back to bed. Upon laying back down I suddenly worried that I was still going to the bathroom. I woke Michael up immediately to tell him that my bag of waters had broken.
By now my tears were flowing. I was so worried terrified about our baby boy. Was my son OK? If he was still alive, could he survive out of utero this far from his due date? I could not figure out which nightmarish scenario that I should be preparing myself for as I called the hospital to tell them that we were on our way. In addition to the immense worry and anxiety, I felt angry at myself for not listening to my body's cues when I knew something was wrong. And on top of it all, I was crying because I knew that I would not see my boys wake up on Christmas morning.
We had no hospital bag packed and did not bother. Thank God, Michael's parents were staying with us for Christmas so we did not have to worry about finding a sitter for Dominic & Gabriel. I grabbed a couple of towels to take care of the continuously leaking amniotic fluid and we were off in the car and on our way to the hospital. I needed to make sure that my baby boy was alive and safe.
At about 3AM I got up, frustrated and miserable that I still could not fall asleep. I went to use the bathroom and then dragged myself back to bed. Upon laying back down I suddenly worried that I was still going to the bathroom. I woke Michael up immediately to tell him that my bag of waters had broken.
By now my tears were flowing. I was so worried terrified about our baby boy. Was my son OK? If he was still alive, could he survive out of utero this far from his due date? I could not figure out which nightmarish scenario that I should be preparing myself for as I called the hospital to tell them that we were on our way. In addition to the immense worry and anxiety, I felt angry at myself for not listening to my body's cues when I knew something was wrong. And on top of it all, I was crying because I knew that I would not see my boys wake up on Christmas morning.
We had no hospital bag packed and did not bother. Thank God, Michael's parents were staying with us for Christmas so we did not have to worry about finding a sitter for Dominic & Gabriel. I grabbed a couple of towels to take care of the continuously leaking amniotic fluid and we were off in the car and on our way to the hospital. I needed to make sure that my baby boy was alive and safe.
We had planned this birth at a different hospital different from our other births, and had no idea where the labor and delivery floor was. We parked and started walking down what felt like the longest of hallways. We asked a security guard to point us in the right direction and I actually felt self-conscious that my belly was not yet big enough for us to be making this trip. I was shivering from nervousness and dread.
Once we had checked into L&D, and the nurse confirmed that it was my bag of water was in fact leaking (and not bladder incontinence, thank you). The OB on-call came in and did an ultrasound. I could finally exhale once I heard his heart beating and saw his sweet little body on the screen. The OB informed us that he was head-down and in a perfect position to deliver, and I was already 3 cm dilated. Apparently my 30-second contractions were longer than I could feel. I was in labor! The OB explained that having a baby at 34-weeks was much less risky than trying to keep me pregnant at this point and that I would not be going home for Christmas morning. Michael and I were shocked and overwhelmed-- this was a lot to process!
Since I was still in very early labor, I sent Michael home to gather some of our belongings and take photos of our boys opening their stockings and getting ready for Christmas morning mass. I was heartbroken that I could not be there with them, and cried several times throughout the day specifically for this reason!
Feeling annoyed that I was in the hospital so early in labor (I had hoped to labor at home), I started taking walks down the hospital hallway to try to move things along. I was even more frustrated when the new OB on-call told me that he did not want me to leave my room and walk anymore, for fear of infection. This made very little sense to us, but our sweet nurse helped us get some activity in by assisting me in many (many) bathroom breaks. I had a saline-lock and had to spend several hours receiving antibiotics through an IV (at 34-weeks I had yet to be tested for strep B so they proceeded as though I had it) and this naturally forced me to take some restful breaks as well. As a third-time mommy, I knew that I still had a lot of hard work ahead of me!
At about 11AM the OB checked my progression, but I was still at 3cm. He suggested that they start me on Pitocin (synthetic oxytocin hormone used to induce labor), but since my contractions were still steady and strong we declined, trusting that my body would move at its natural pace. From my experience during Dominic's birth I learned that one medical intervention can quickly lead to another, and I was truly hoping to have my second VBAC.
Things moved at a similar (and somewhat frustrating) pace for the next few hours. I was wishing that I was at home enjoying Christmas day with my kids-- being confined to a hospital room was quite unpleasant! Michael and I tried to work on overcoming some mental obstacles that I had about delivering the baby. I was scared about what would happen to our son once he was born, and we believed that dealing with this might help my mind and body connect, and birth our baby! First, we named our son (we had yet to do this!). Nicholas was a name that we had discussed and loved, but since we already have "Nick"(with our Dominic) we were not sure that it was right for our family. Since it was Christmas however and our boys call Santa "St. Nicholas", it seemed like a great fit for our baby. Next, we also had a chance to meet with the neonatologist, and he gave us a better idea of what we could expect once our preemie arrived. He assured us that his survival rate was 99% and explained some of the complications that might arise.
I hoped that all of this information would make me more comfortable with the idea of having the baby and would help to move along my labor. Unfortunately, my contractions were not growing closer together and we continued to received pressure from the OB to get started on Pitocin. We continued to delay, and asked for some time to rest beforehand, since I was sincerely exhausted. The hospital would not let me eat whatsoever, and since it was almost 24 hours since my last meal I was exhausted and famished!
By 3pm I was so incredibly tired that I just "gave up". Being truly honest with myself, I knew that I did not want to birth this baby (yet!). This could never be the joyful and exciting day that I had hoped for. I truly believe that there is a strong mind-and-body connection during labor and my fear, disappointment and anxiety was standing in the way. The OB was also coming in consistently and to warn us about the risk of infection. He kept pointing out that it had been 12-hours since my bag of waters started leaking, and if an infection did develop I would need a c-section.
I cried as I gave in and the Pitocin was administered through my IV. I felt defeated and very sad. I felt angry at the OB for not listening to my desires for a natural birth without intervention. But mostly I was scared of being wrong and waiting too long, and I was just scared for my sweet baby boy. I still worried about what would happen once he was actually born.
We called Lauren (our doula) immediately and asked her to come assist, since we knew that labor could progress fairly quickly with the Pitocin. Within 20-minutes, my body started to respond more intensely than I had anticipated. My contractions did not grow stronger, however the break between them became smaller and smaller. It did not take long for me feel like I was going insane. It was an awful feeling; not being able to rest at all between contractions.
I sat on an exercise ball and Michael helped me get through the contractions by massaging my lower back. I tried listening to music but struggled to focus. I was growing more and more exhausted with every passing minute. Where were the breaks between contractions?! By 4:30pm (only an hour since the Pitocin was given) I was DONE. I begged for an epidural. I told the nurse to help me lay down so that I could be ready for the anesthesia. Our labor nurse called for the epidural just as Lauren arrived at 4:45pm and tried to encourage me to keep laboring. She did not have a chance to convince me however, because I suddenly had a very powerful urge to push.
Our labor nurse came over to see if I was dilated, and surprisingly exclaimed that she could already see the baby! I was 10 cm dilated and +2 station. It was time to push! Since I had no breaks between the contractions, everything became ridiculously intense. The next five minutes were a complete blur.
Our Labor and Delivery room was suddenly flooded with people. The doctors came in, extra nurses, and what seemed like an entire NICU unit. Lauren and the OB talked me through the pushes with Michael holding my hand at my side, and within a couple of minutes,
Nicholas was born into our world at on December 25, 2013 at 4:53pm.
Nicholas was immediately taken by the neonatologist while I waited for what would come next.
The minutes, hours and days to follow were very long and difficult.
And with the help of many prayers and graces,
we got through it.
You because our little fighter, inspiring us all by your strength to overcome each challenge one-at-a- time.
As I finish typing this story, you are snuggled close to me in our carrier, which has served for a type of "exterior womb" for us in the past few weeks.
We are finally together again, my precious Nicholas.
I love you and I am so grateful to God for your life and for your presence. I cannot imagine today without you in it. This Friday will be your official due-date, and I feel privileged to have had all of these extra days and moments with you before your expected arrival.
No matter how rocky your birthday and the beginning of our journey was, I would do it a million times over if it led me again to holding you, my beautiful Nicholas Raphael.
Thanks be to God.
Once we had checked into L&D, and the nurse confirmed that it was my bag of water was in fact leaking (and not bladder incontinence, thank you). The OB on-call came in and did an ultrasound. I could finally exhale once I heard his heart beating and saw his sweet little body on the screen. The OB informed us that he was head-down and in a perfect position to deliver, and I was already 3 cm dilated. Apparently my 30-second contractions were longer than I could feel. I was in labor! The OB explained that having a baby at 34-weeks was much less risky than trying to keep me pregnant at this point and that I would not be going home for Christmas morning. Michael and I were shocked and overwhelmed-- this was a lot to process!
Since I was still in very early labor, I sent Michael home to gather some of our belongings and take photos of our boys opening their stockings and getting ready for Christmas morning mass. I was heartbroken that I could not be there with them, and cried several times throughout the day specifically for this reason!
Feeling annoyed that I was in the hospital so early in labor (I had hoped to labor at home), I started taking walks down the hospital hallway to try to move things along. I was even more frustrated when the new OB on-call told me that he did not want me to leave my room and walk anymore, for fear of infection. This made very little sense to us, but our sweet nurse helped us get some activity in by assisting me in many (many) bathroom breaks. I had a saline-lock and had to spend several hours receiving antibiotics through an IV (at 34-weeks I had yet to be tested for strep B so they proceeded as though I had it) and this naturally forced me to take some restful breaks as well. As a third-time mommy, I knew that I still had a lot of hard work ahead of me!
At about 11AM the OB checked my progression, but I was still at 3cm. He suggested that they start me on Pitocin (synthetic oxytocin hormone used to induce labor), but since my contractions were still steady and strong we declined, trusting that my body would move at its natural pace. From my experience during Dominic's birth I learned that one medical intervention can quickly lead to another, and I was truly hoping to have my second VBAC.
Things moved at a similar (and somewhat frustrating) pace for the next few hours. I was wishing that I was at home enjoying Christmas day with my kids-- being confined to a hospital room was quite unpleasant! Michael and I tried to work on overcoming some mental obstacles that I had about delivering the baby. I was scared about what would happen to our son once he was born, and we believed that dealing with this might help my mind and body connect, and birth our baby! First, we named our son (we had yet to do this!). Nicholas was a name that we had discussed and loved, but since we already have "Nick"(with our Dominic) we were not sure that it was right for our family. Since it was Christmas however and our boys call Santa "St. Nicholas", it seemed like a great fit for our baby. Next, we also had a chance to meet with the neonatologist, and he gave us a better idea of what we could expect once our preemie arrived. He assured us that his survival rate was 99% and explained some of the complications that might arise.
I hoped that all of this information would make me more comfortable with the idea of having the baby and would help to move along my labor. Unfortunately, my contractions were not growing closer together and we continued to received pressure from the OB to get started on Pitocin. We continued to delay, and asked for some time to rest beforehand, since I was sincerely exhausted. The hospital would not let me eat whatsoever, and since it was almost 24 hours since my last meal I was exhausted and famished!
By 3pm I was so incredibly tired that I just "gave up". Being truly honest with myself, I knew that I did not want to birth this baby (yet!). This could never be the joyful and exciting day that I had hoped for. I truly believe that there is a strong mind-and-body connection during labor and my fear, disappointment and anxiety was standing in the way. The OB was also coming in consistently and to warn us about the risk of infection. He kept pointing out that it had been 12-hours since my bag of waters started leaking, and if an infection did develop I would need a c-section.
I cried as I gave in and the Pitocin was administered through my IV. I felt defeated and very sad. I felt angry at the OB for not listening to my desires for a natural birth without intervention. But mostly I was scared of being wrong and waiting too long, and I was just scared for my sweet baby boy. I still worried about what would happen once he was actually born.
We called Lauren (our doula) immediately and asked her to come assist, since we knew that labor could progress fairly quickly with the Pitocin. Within 20-minutes, my body started to respond more intensely than I had anticipated. My contractions did not grow stronger, however the break between them became smaller and smaller. It did not take long for me feel like I was going insane. It was an awful feeling; not being able to rest at all between contractions.
I sat on an exercise ball and Michael helped me get through the contractions by massaging my lower back. I tried listening to music but struggled to focus. I was growing more and more exhausted with every passing minute. Where were the breaks between contractions?! By 4:30pm (only an hour since the Pitocin was given) I was DONE. I begged for an epidural. I told the nurse to help me lay down so that I could be ready for the anesthesia. Our labor nurse called for the epidural just as Lauren arrived at 4:45pm and tried to encourage me to keep laboring. She did not have a chance to convince me however, because I suddenly had a very powerful urge to push.
Our labor nurse came over to see if I was dilated, and surprisingly exclaimed that she could already see the baby! I was 10 cm dilated and +2 station. It was time to push! Since I had no breaks between the contractions, everything became ridiculously intense. The next five minutes were a complete blur.
Our Labor and Delivery room was suddenly flooded with people. The doctors came in, extra nurses, and what seemed like an entire NICU unit. Lauren and the OB talked me through the pushes with Michael holding my hand at my side, and within a couple of minutes,
Nicholas was born into our world at on December 25, 2013 at 4:53pm.
Nicholas was immediately taken by the neonatologist while I waited for what would come next.
The minutes, hours and days to follow were very long and difficult.
And with the help of many prayers and graces,
we got through it.
You because our little fighter, inspiring us all by your strength to overcome each challenge one-at-a- time.
As I finish typing this story, you are snuggled close to me in our carrier, which has served for a type of "exterior womb" for us in the past few weeks.
We are finally together again, my precious Nicholas.
I love you and I am so grateful to God for your life and for your presence. I cannot imagine today without you in it. This Friday will be your official due-date, and I feel privileged to have had all of these extra days and moments with you before your expected arrival.
No matter how rocky your birthday and the beginning of our journey was, I would do it a million times over if it led me again to holding you, my beautiful Nicholas Raphael.
Thanks be to God.
1 comment:
Oh my gosh, I started tearing up reading this. I think I would have felt very similarly to you. I would have been absolutely heartbroken to not be able to spend Christmas with my family, and I too agree that your state of mind effects your labor, so I can understand why your labor stalled out as you worried about birthing your son too early. I share your frustrations with the way births are often handled in a hospital (unnecessary restrictions, lots of pressure and exaggerated concerns). I'm actually thinking about planning a home birth if we have another because my unplanned home birth was so much more enjoyable than my hospital birth. Anyway, I am so sorry for all the stress you endured but so very grateful that Nicholas is home and healthy.
By the way, I had no idea you had a blog, but I will be following you now. And my parents gave Parker those same pajamas for Christmas. We also have the same Little People nativity set for our boys. :)
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