A Dozen Lessons I Learned about Prematurity and the NICU

As Nicholas' birthday is approaching, I am experiencing many mixed emotions.  On one hand, I feel overwhelmed with love, gratitude, joy and happiness about my little one.  At the same time, I feel flooded with sadness in my recollections about last Christmas and his birth.

I think one of my biggest challenges about dealing with having a premature baby was my lack of awareness and understanding about what it really entails.  So, today I am sharing a few of the important lessons I have learned:

1.  It is hard, and it is OK to acknowledge that.  I mourned for the first few weeks after Nicholas was born.  I mourned our time apart, his birth, his health and so much more.  I appreciated all the kind and supportive words and messages that were showered upon us.  I felt however, that the most helpful encouragement was sympathy and acknowledgement about how difficult this trial was for our family.  I felt almost frustrated by notes such as "I am so happy and excited for you!" because as grateful as I was for my sweet new baby, I was not feeling happy.  In fact, I was grieving and felt intensely sad for the most part.

2.  I am going to switch gears here and say that it is OK to congratulate parents of a preemie on their baby's birth.  One kind family we knew sent flowers to my hospital room.  Many dear friends visited Nicholas at the hospital, despite how strict NICU visiting rules are.  I appreciated it, because even though it was early, Nicholas was here and like any proud parent I was happy to show him off.

3.  Leaving the hospital is the worst. day. ever.  I don't think I need to elaborate on how awful it was to be pushed to my car in a wheelchair and empty-handed.

4.  You will need a break.  I found myself trying to strike a balance between my trips back-and-forth from the hospital and taking care of my very young children at home (I had never left Gabriel overnight before).  The night I broke into a high-fever I realized that I couldn't do it all.  I needed to stay healthy so that I could take care of my family.  This meant that I had to trust the NICU staff.

5.  Your other children will need you.  Michael and I decided that we would intentionally have dinner as a family every night that Nicholas was in the hospital and keep our bedtime rituals normal.  Yes, this meant that we missed his 6pm tube and later bottle feeding.  But we weren't the only ones feeling the stress from this transition, and our other children needed us.

6.  You will fall more in love with your spouse.  Michael was incredible.  I cried, cried, cried so much during those first few postpartum weeks.  He stood strong and offered me his shoulder to cry on.  He kept the house in order.  He listened to my rantings.  OUR child was in the NICU and so he was the only person who understood exactly what I was going through.  He made late-night feeding trips so that I could get a few extra hours of rest.

7. The NICU is just the beginning.  Michael and I were overwhelmed with the support we received when Nicholas was in the hospital.  Meals were delivered each night for those first two-weeks, and many family members and friends offered to take the boys on outings to distract them or give Michael and I more time to spend with Nicholas.  When we brought the baby home however, our support kind of "ran out".  BUT, we still had to adjust to life with a very young newborn.  I think one of my biggest challenges was that the newbornhood of a preemie lasts at least until their due-date, and then for the couple of months after as well.

8.  You will learn to be flexible about milestones.  Do not compare your full-term baby who is the same age as a preemie.  It is such a different situation.

9.  Do not complain about your pregnancy.  My first two children were born after their due date and pregnancy gets TOUGH-- I get it.  But, I have learned the hard way that carrying your baby to 40-weeks is nothing but the best gift that you can give to your child.  I have watched my baby struggle to live outside of the womb.  If your baby is still inside of you, that is where your baby needs to be.  Be grateful, and if you must, vent to somebody else ;-).

10.  You will cry a lot.  I still remember the day I came home from the hospital (see number 3), and my sweet, helpful mother-in-law had washed and folded our baby clothes.  I took a glance at the clothes and walked away and cried for hours.  Poor Judy.  And that was just the beginning.  So many little, unexpected things set me off.  It will get better.

11. You will admire your baby and their amazing strength.  They make such great strides at such a young age.  Nicholas is the most inspiring little fighter I have ever met.  His entrance in this world was harsh, painful and a struggle but he resiliently fought through it and is thriving.

12.  You will need prayer.  Pray for strength and hope in the NICU.  Ask for others to pray when you feel too tired and worn down.  Pray for wisdom for the doctors and nurses taking care of your little one.  Pray for gratitude and joy when they come home.  Pray for healing.  Pray in thanksgiving for the blessings that will be showered upon you, as unexpected as they may be.