Being in the NICU can be quite a rollercoaster. Preemies are unpredictable. They can have very good days and extremely challenging ones as well. You are never exactly sure which ride you are on when you push through those big hospital doors. There is rarely any definite good news because these little ones often make a small leap forward followed by two steps back. I have learned very early on not to hold on to any promised future. The only sure way to survive the NICU is to be mindfully in the present. I am amazed that by living one-day-at-a-time, we have pushed through for 4 weeks now.
We have been enormously grateful that Celeste was finally transferred to our home hospital. I clung to THAT good news for a few days, reminding myself of how blessed we were to have our baby so much closer to home. And it truly has been a blessing. Our commute is shorter and easier. I can see Celeste more often and I can spend more time with my other three children. Win-win. For these past couple of weeks I have been spending afternoons with Celeste and coming home to have dinner with the boys (not to mention, delicious prepared meals dropped-off by an amazing and generous community. It takes care of my family and takes an enormous load off of me and my postpartum-self. And it reminds me to eat-- something trivial when your daughter is in the hospital. I could go on and on about the meals and may have to dedicate an entire post to them). Anyways, after we tuck the kids into bed Michael heads to the NICU to hold our girl for a couple of hours. She then gets loved on by some fantastic nurses throughout the night.
Even though she is closer, leaving Celeste is so. very. hard. In fact, it feels painful and wrong emotionally, mentally and physically. Is there anything more unnatural for a parent than to leave their child behind? In a fire or an emergency you save your children first, right? But not in the NICU. Here you have to walk back through those big double doors and go home without your baby. I honestly can't find the words to describe the agony. But back to the star of the show...
Celeste has had two somewhat uninteresting weeks, but that does not mean that they have been unremarkable (and it definitely doesn't mean that I won't include 45 grainy iphone pictures in this post). Our little fighter has been doing everything that is expected and hoped for her: she is staying healthy, tolerating her feeds, gaining weight and developing. She weighed 3lbs 3oz at 14-days old, and in two-weeks she grew to 4lbs 2 oz. She is now at the gestational age of 33-weeks.
We were slightly worried about some intermittent heart murmurs during some of Celeste's exams. A cardiac ultrasound showed a couple of common heart conditions in premature babies and newborns. They will continue to be monitored but the doctors are fairly confident that they will resolve themselves as she matures. She is also still having regular apnea spells and taking her daily dose of caffeine to help reduce them. We pray that she outgrows the spells soon.
Celeste is still being fed entirely through a feeding tube, but in the last few days she has shown promising signs that she may be ready for the breast and bottle soon. She is starting to root like a regular newborn, and she is also beginning to love her pacifier (like a regular Ricci baby). A kind nurse let me try non-nutritive breastfeeding this week and I was amazed to see how naturally my tiny baby latched right on. She wasn't strong enough yet to take in a feeding but I will patiently await her readiness. With the exception of actually meeting your baby early, being a NICU parent definitely requires a lot of patience.
And so our little lady is 28-days old! It is hard to believe that we have already survived 28 days in the NICU. Some days have been harder than others and some have been more hope-filled that others. I definitely do not feel like I have had enough inner-strength to have endured 28-days. My heart still aches for my child to be with me. My broken and empty womb still hurts as a reminder of how it failed her. I cry because it hurts to see her struggle alone and I fall down exhausted because I am so weak. And somehow that is how God meets me. Through my weakness He still loves me. And with this grace and love, I get through one more day. I love you baby girl.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers.
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